Fear of Failure vs Striving for Success

Having recently finished my time at school, on reflection, I think it’s fair to say that some our motivation to study isn’t merely due to an desire to excel or succeed in our field; it’s due to the pressure to avoid “failing”: that could be falling below our predictions or not being able to progress to the next rung of the academic ladder. Motivations obviously vary from person to person, and I’m happy to say that in recent times, I’ve made a conscious effort to try and become a “striver” rather than a “fearer” (sorry, it's evident my grasp on English grammar has suffered over the holiday..), though as a natural worrier I find the anxiety surrounding failure creeps in nonetheless! 

This talk of “failure” all seems to link back in with my post about comparing yourself to others (as I feel so many of our stresses in life do!) – after all, aren’t standards of “passing” and “failure” regarding GCSEs and A Levels all based around how everyone performs relative to each other in the country (don’t quote me on that. I’m no expert on how the system works!)? It seems to me that personal goals and dreams have slipped into second place, behind the pressure to keep our heads above water and avoid doing “badly” (the term itself is pretty much relative to every individual). There’s a big difference in my mind between the two mindsets of FOF and SFS (excuse the invented abbreviations there..), and it can be so detrimental to a person when their sole focus is being driven by fear (this is probably backed up by science!).

Yes, of course there’s adrenaline which kicks in when we feel nervous, and I don’t deny that a certain amount of pressure is most definitely necessary to give us all a kick up the backside academically! 

It saddens me to think that some people (including myself, many a time) may feel more relief than excitement when they succeed, purely due to the strain they’ve felt to avoid, for example, their parents’ disapproval, or a feeling of low self-esteem, that is perhaps attached with achieving lower grades than desired.

It’s all becoming a system of points, letters, grade boundaries, and jumping through hoops, as opposed to saying to yourself “I’m just going to achieve the best that I can, without comparing my goals with anyone else’s, or other people’s expectations of me”. It’s the drive to have, say, a university degree or a high flying career, because it’s what everyone else seems to be doing, and hence you may feel like a “failure” compared to others if you choose to take the path less wandered, which to you may actually seem like a successful, happy one. 

Taking a step back from the “versus” battle between these two perspectives of FOF and SFS to throw a new concept into the mix: why are we so scared of failure in the first place? This is a very difficult and personal question, but I'd say it’s generally because we seem to aim for a life without mistakes, embarrassing moments or slip ups, because of how people may judge us, or maybe because everything we do wrong may stick in our minds and eat us up, leading us to view ourselves as bad people. Far from it! How else can we learn but through these flaws? Fearing failure in the first place, though a seemingly natural and common instinct, doesn’t make much sense when you consider that we actually learn 10 times (if not 100 times) more from failures than successes. Taking the example of Disney films, (specifically Lilo and Stitch, one of my all time favourites!) Stitch's growth comes precisely from the fact that he begins as a flawed character who wreaks havoc and ruins Noni's job prospects: if this hadn't have happened, his change in character and adoption into the family at the end would have much less gravitas!! I guess that all you truly learn from a success is that you worked hard and most likely are also fairly talented at a particular topic, and as fantastic as this is (of course I do promote success, it’s amazing!!) this learning curve isn’t nearly as rewarding as being set back, picking yourself up and learning what you did wrong (or in the case of mistakes that later reveal themselves as blessings in disguise, what you did right!)!

So I guess the conclusion to this ramble is that the ideal is to aim for success in its own right, not relative to “not failing”, but at the same time, it’s not the end of the world if your path takes an unexpected turn, which at the time might seem devastating. Fearing what’s to come, and letting that worry take over your mindset is a waste of time and energy that you could actively be using to pursue success! Think about what it is that you really enjoy, or a goal you’d really love to achieve. Don’t focus on the system itself and let the grading system dictate your feeling of self-worth – think of your passions and what inspires you! Be a striver! 

:)

P.S. Quick disclaimer: This isn't my complete view on the British education system. Overall, I've loved my education and don't regret the path I've chosen! This is just an issue I felt like discussing as it's quite current in my life, but this is no reflection on how the entire system works. No offence is intended with any of my posts and I hope this is apparent! Thanks :)

My Everyday Make-up!

Though I am in no way a qualified make-up artist or beauty blogger, I have been watching YouTube beauty videos for as long as I can remember, and love discovering new items and trying out different looks. So I felt it would be fun to share my favourite beauty items with the world through my blog!

This post includes all of the products which I wear on an everyday basis - think of it like a Top 10 Make-Up items/Favourites/Everyday look all in one! Hope you enjoy and might pick up some recommendations :)

1. Nuxe's Reve de Miel - Not technically a 'beauty' product but this is hands down the best lip balm ever!! And as my friends will tell you, I'm a bit of a lip balm addict.. this is super hydrating and smells awesome as well, I'd say it's citrusy. For a lip balm, pretty expensive, but you can pick it up at M&S and I guarantee it will last for weeks, if not months - so use it sparingly!!

2. Benefit's 'Big Easy' BB Cream - for me, this is the perfect balance between a foundation and a tinted moisturiser. This will give you a decent, if fairly light amount of coverage, but best of all it has SPF 35 (perfect to take on holiday and for summer!) and applies really smoothly. I actually tend to apply my base products with my fingers, to blend everything in nicely. The coverage is definitely buildable too! Worth investing in :)

3. Benefit's Boing concealer - believe me when I say I've tried pretty much every high street concealer on the market, and nothing compares to this little pot when it comes to coverage!! Benefit like to refer to this as "Industrial Strength" and though sometimes you need a few applications to cover blemishes, I'd agree. I also use this to cover pesky under eye circles! This isn't perfect for under eye concealing but it does the job (to be honest, anything that I can use to multi-task is a bonus, as I'm super lazy make-up wise!!)

4. Blusher by the Natural Collection in the shade "Peach Melba" - now for £1.99, I wasn't expecting awesomeness with this powder blush, but I can honestly say it does a really nice job, and took me ages to 'hit pan'! It's a lovely pinky peach shade which I feel would suit many different skin tones, and the pigmentation is decent too. The only qualm I'd have (love the word 'qualm') is that it wears off pretty easily, but if you're after long-wearing blusher, you could opt for Max Factor's Miracle Touch Creamy Blush which is fantastic too.

5. Benefit's Dallas Blush - so you may think I've gone a bit crazy, adding in two blushers to one make-up look, but hear me out!! This is a completely different type of blush, more of a bronzer, and it looks fantastic on Asian skin tones especially as it's more reddy/browny-toned (ooh look at me trying to use beauty vocabulary!). Also comes with a handy contour-shaped brush and mirror, so it's very handy for carrying in your handbag to top-up during the day! Sometimes I alternate between the two blushers, but on an all-out day I'll use both in one look (shocking, I know.)

6. Rimmel's Clear Complexion Powder in the shade "Transparent" - this translucent powder does a pretty good job at setting everything into place and mattifying, at a very good price. In all honesty, I'm not that big on powder, but I know many people swear by Rimmel powders and can definitely see why! Does the job, and OOH look the blue packaging matches my nails!! I got a bit excited when photographing that! (Essie: Turquoise and Caicos, if you're interested)

7. Benefit's Roller Lash Mascara - BEST MASCARA EVER. I have, again, been through a good few high street mascaras (the best of which was Max Factor 2000 Calorie) but this is something else. The wand is perfect for lash separation, and my eyelashes look so much longer after just one coat of this. Plus I love the retro look of the packaging! Then again, never judge a book by its cover and all that.. anyway, you decide! 

 8. Benefit's Gimme Brow - I'm going to look like a walking talking advert for Benefit by the end of this post (which I'm definitely not paid to do!! I just love their products!) but this basically strikes just the right mix when it comes to brow products. It has a cute tiny brush inside with some brown brow gel, and fills in your brows without looking at all drawn on or false. One of my good friends Iman shares my love for this little bottle of eyebrow perfection!

9. Soap and Glory's Sexy Mother Pucker (careful how you spell it!) Gloss Stick in Plum Jam -  bit of a disclaimer with this one, I love two different shades of this product for different reasons! I first fell in love with (literally, got through three sticks of it!) the shade Nudist, which is a gorgeous pinky brown, nude shade, perfect for an everyday gloss. But the one I'm holding in the picture is a much deeper plummy shade, and I think it's perfect for occasion wear! This picks up well on camera (for any of you who have seen mine and Paula's British Tag on YouTube, I have this on!) and stands out without being an all-out lipstick. 

10. H&M Powder Brush - now firstly can we just appreciate that I, a photographer newbie, took this artsy shot (thanks Darsh for appreciating my attempt at photo creativity). In the words of Despicable Me "IT'S SO FLUFFY!!" okay minor excitement over. This is a fantastic brush for blusher, bronzer and powder (I use it for all three, hence why it's slightly worse for wear..) as it's large and fluffy so doesn't concentrate the product too much on a particular area. I think I bought it for around a fiver in store, but sad times I can't find it on the website anymore :'( hopefully they still have this or a similar style in stock! 

 And voila.. here is the finished look!! #shamelessselfie #sibilance 

Hope you enjoyed this rather different post! And quick disclaimer: I purchased most of these products over a long period of time, as birthday presents, little treats or general additions to my collection. Also, I can only recommend the products which have worked for me, and so I can't guarantee they will all have the same effect for you all. But this was fun to write and I hope you got something out of it (if only discovering that I've made #sibilance a thing...) Let me know if you'd like more/less beauty posts in future :)

P.S. Update: today I bought the Revlon Lip Butter in Peach Parfait and it is beyond awesome. Watch this space for reviews!!

Why Results Day Won't Define You

Now I know I'm a bit late on the bandwagon here, in writing this blog post, but it may not have escaped your notice (who am I kidding? It's everywhere!) that it's A Level results day tomorrow and that for many Year 13s (like me!), it's the make or break time where we found out what university we'll be heading to in a few weeks' time. But panic ye not! I am on hand with 3 top tips for surviving the next few hours (and if you're receiving GCSE results, the next week!) while you nervously wait, hope and pray. Because the rational part of my brain tells me that this is not the end of the world, and we will all get through the day regardless of the outcome! (Side note: this is only a very spur of the moment, spontaneously written post!)

1. Put it all into perspective! So this whole education system can seem like an ocean, in which we are swimming against the tide as little fishies (forgive me. It's early in the morning and that's the best analogy I can come up with!) but it's so crucial to remember that it all comes down to making it onto the next rung of the ladder. Even if at the time, you feel disappointed with a result, or it's not as you expect, there's so many back up options - chances are, there WILL be another university out there in the world that is willing to offer you a place, and though it may be a slightly different path to the one you'd prepared yourself for, it could be really lovely. You can still study whatever you'd like to regardless of how this day goes!! But it may just mean sitting tight for a few more weeks potentially waiting for remarks, or perhaps you'll have secured another University through Clearing on the same day! Keep up the hope - you'll look back on this experience and realise it's WHAT you'd like to study that's the most important thing. Location, shmocation. (Understatement of the year. Oh dearie me this is going well..)

2. Don't lose rationality!! Towards results day, it seems to me as if the irrational, panicky side of your brain starts to outweigh the calm, reassuring aspect that's deep within. Granted, I'm no psychology expert but I feel like this all links in with panic and anxiety overriding our logic, leading us to forget all the months and months of hard work, dedication and hope that has got you through the exams in the first place! So don't lose sight of the memories of everything you did to prepare in the run up for exams, your teachers' positive comments: predicted grades aren't whipped out of thin air! You're much more wonderful than you believe yourself to be, so have faith and be rational - worries often derive from losing sight of reason!

3. Remember that everything happens for a reason. (Shoutout to the lovely Misha for reminding me of this awesome phrase in my times of madness!!) This is where I feel my religious faith has a huge role to play regarding results. There's nothing you can do to change what's around the corner, but the great thing is that whatever happens in the future is all part of God's bigger plan for all of us. In hindsight, how many times have you been disappointed or upset when you were younger, but now you can look back and realise the reason why that event had to happen, in order to learn a valuable life lesson? Failures become our strengths and everything that initially knocks us down will later build us up (buttercup baby just to let me down.. Someone stop me!!)

This leads me to consider two religious quotes that have reassured and comforted me in recent times regarding God's plan for us all. First of all, from John 13:7 'Jesus replied "you do not realise now what I am doing, but later, you will understand"' and secondly, a piece of wisdom I've found on the Internet, 'I am not afraid of tomorrow because I know that God is already there'. Though these two messages derive from my faith, I feel like many who are not religious could have a lot to gain from the idea of patience and hope ('later you will understand'); often the only way to learn is through the passing of time and through new experiences. Think of tomorrow as just another day, where you'll live and learn, and life will go on no matter what letters appear on that piece of paper!


Best of luck everyone, my thoughts and prayers are with you all!!

Thanks so much for reading! If you'd like any more specific academic advice posts, just leave me a comment and I'll do my best to help :)

P.S. Apologies to year 11s and 12s as some of this advice is very uni specific! But I hope it's of some support to you all! 

Sensitivity or "heart on your sleeve"

Nowadays, I guess that sensitivity could be considered as both a blessing and a curse, something which both strengthens and weakens a person's character. According to the dictionary definition, 'sensitivity' means "being readily affected by external influences", having an open, sentimental character, or in a nutshell, 'wearing your heart on your sleeve' (an expression I've never fully understood, by the way. Why a sleeve as opposed to, on your shirt, or in your hand, perhaps?!). And over the years, being open to emotion, external impacts and criticisms, can take its toll on us all. But, as much as life experiences can try to knock down a person's sensitivity, leading them to "put their guard up", over time, I think these setbacks can have quite the opposite effect. 

I don't believe having a sensitive nature makes a person weaker, though don't get me wrong, it's vital to maintain a degree of assertiveness to prevent yourself from becoming a 'doormat', or allowing others to take advantage of your kindness. But I feel a certain level of empathy and openness is the most important quality for self development.

To an extent, I would argue that you can't change your personality; some features, such as absent-mindedness, sensitivity, a good sense of humour (or in my case, the lack thereof..) are just innate. That said, it's not entirely true that 'a leopard never changes its spots' - and this is why people can continue to surprise you, or some people may build up a resistance to sensitivity, for example, due to life experiences. Someone you've known for years, whose life is so intertwined with yours, who you feel you know better than anyone else, may be influenced by external circumstances, or undergo a natural process of change, and this can even lead to "heartache" when paths go their separate ways.

The question that springs to mind is whether it's better to have loved and lost or never loved at all. I'm no expert on the human heart, but I feel like the vast majority would opt for the former in a heartbeat *pardon the pun*. And I feel like this is what makes us human. We all understand on a deep level how painful it is to lose a relationship or be betrayed by someone we care about. Yet we let ourselves be exposed to it, time and time again, because, and this is the best part, we still maintain hope that people can change, life can present amazing opportunities, and the person standing just around the corner of the metaphorical road of your life could be the one to makes it all worthwhile. At least, that's how I try to keep faith. Part of the joy in life is expecting the unexpected; granted, it's the root of most worries we experience, due to feeling a loss of control (thanks to my psychology A Level friends for this nugget of wisdom!!), but it's also the most exciting bit by far.

So back to wearing our hearts on our sleeves; I've established that this is a common trait, and discussed why we might cling onto that hope, but in contrast, many decide to put up defence mechanisms to prevent their nearest and dearest from coming too close. This could very possibly stem from protecting them from any hurt they might be experiencing, which we can all relate to. And everyone chooses to open up as much as they would like to, which is only fair: nobody is entitled to share more than they are comfortable to, which is a fundamental human right. But what if bottling up this emotion does more harm than good? After all, it seems only natural instinct to complain. Take a look at @VeryBritishProblems for some examples, proving that some of us tend to enjoy the feeling of release that comes from complaining about the weather, the length of shopping queues and social awkwardness.. I know this all seems rather tiny in perspective to "wearing your heart on your sleeve", but please hear me out. Ideas of cathartic release all link back to the same emotion of opening up and allowing yourself to be affected by others.

I initially used the phrase 'blessing or curse', rather hesitantly, to describe the idea of wearing your heart on your sleeve. But it's crucial to bear in mind that God makes no mistakes. Though the feeling of loss and disappointment is at times unbearable, as I'm aware, putting this into perspective with my faith makes me realise that, to quote the brilliant Ed Sheeran, 'maybe it's all part of the plan'. 

It's not a curse at all! There is no feeling so powerful or warm as love when it's at its purest, and in that moment, the future pain you may experience due to that particular relationship or event becomes insignificant. And, in time, wounds heal, your courage builds, and you find yourself able to brush yourself off and continue down the path towards that game-changer, who God may have placed for you just across the street. 

Keep going, everyone, the best is yet to come.

:) 

How To: Learn a Language (ish..)

As a bit of personal background, I like to describe myself as a linguist, as I currently speak Spanish and German to A Level standard, and plan to study Spanish at Uni (with the hope of some day reaching fluency!). I've always found it really cool to be able to communicate with someone from another country in their native tongue and enjoy the challenge of keeping up with native speakers who talk ridiculously quickly and in a strong dialect (yep, I do love a challenge!). It's what I feel my strength has been throughout high school! So this is why I've decided to compile a list of tips for those planning on learning a language, or those who have already started and may benefit from some refreshing, based on my 7 years as a dual linguist!

1. Are you really committed to learning a language, or is it a spur of the moment decision? First of all, you need to figure out just how much time and effort you're willing to put in to keeping up a new skill - it's like anything else, exercise perhaps. How many people start a gym membership on a new year's whim and end up ditching the fitness a couple of weeks in? Sadly I feel like this is the case for so many potential linguists; at school it's pretty much compulsory to take a foreign language to GCSE level but so few continue with it beyond a couple of barely useful phrases (such as 'on my holiday to Italy I ate pizza and swam in the sea') which, if anyone didn't already know, doesn't really qualify you as a fluent speaker.. Sorry to disappoint! So what I'm trying to say is if you'd like to take up another language, stick with it and work hard at it! 

2. Set aside an amount of time per day to practise. This is where apps like Duolingo come in really handy! They send you pesky little reminders if you're neglecting your vocab which inevitably make sure you end up doing your fair share (so I guess they're not so pesky after all!)! Honestly, I wouldn't have come this far linguistically if it weren't for studying my languages at school almost every day and you can hardly go wrong if it's a regular part of your day, just like brushing your teeth or watching your favourite soap.

3. Ensure you practise all 4 key skills: reading, writing, speaking and listening. This is so crucial! Picture coming to England and being able to converse with speakers perfectly well, but not understanding a word of the signs, papers or physical directions. Focussing solely on one skill is a sure fire way to weaken your language ability, which is why I believe music and YouTube videos have aided me so much in Spanish and German, with regards to diversity of media. Due to growing up with a cousin fluent in Spanish (shout out to Mel, my original Spanish inspiration!), I was constantly surrounded with little phrases and more importantly, songs of artists such as Maná, Juanes, the Gipsy Kings, Julieta Venegas and much more. Even now, at a fairly proficient level, I do sometimes have to consult some song lyrics to remind me what a certain phrase or word means, or even how the subjunctive works! Similarly with German, the YouTube videos of Snukieful, BarbieLovesLipstick (yup, I do like my German beauty bloggers!) and the music of Emma6 has kept up my listening skills over the years, hence I found myself to be so much more confident when it came to completing work experience in Dortmund!

4. Don't give up when it all gets on top of you!! This is probably the most heartfelt piece of wisdom I can offer you. Trust me when I say that I've had so many moments in life when I've doubted my linguistic abilities, wanted to just switch to English speaking when abroad or found German grammar too much to bear (I apologise profusely to my school German teachers. They tried their best with my limited grammatical ability but I reckon adjectival endings and cases will always be beyond me :() but it's ridiculously rewarding when you have a breakthrough or get into the swing of things! For instance, last week in Spain, I had a waiter ask me why I could speak Spanish so well - he wondered if I lived there! My friends will testify that this was a defining moment of my life :') It really does pay off and I have no doubt that my year abroad in Spain for my degree will be one of the most difficult, testing yet fantastic experiences of my life so far. I just can't wait *to be King* (okay someone stop my Disney references now..)!

5. Don't be afraid of making mistakes! It honestly won't matter that much and it's far better to try and get something slightly wrong than hold back from attempting anything. If anything, you'll find that any errors you make will stick in your mind even more, and to a certain extent, failed attempts really are the best way of learning! I have a rather funny anecdote about a time in Germany when I confused numbers and left my employers in stitches at my idiocy.. anyone interested in finding out the whole story, comment below!!

So that's it - all I have left to say is happy language learning and please do keep me posted as to how you get on! If anyone has any more tips or questions, I'm always more than happy to chat with you, just leave me a comment :)

Y para mis amigos que hablan español, espero que no haya sido demasiado difícil tolerarme durante los últimos años, con referencia a la cantidad de tiempo que paso hablando sobre idiomas. Vosotros sois fantásticos :) 

P.S. ¡Si alguien quiere que escriba artículos en español, lo haría con mucho gusto!

P.P.S. Disclaimer: none of this blog post, or any other post I've written, has been sponsored!

The One Where I Say Hi!

Hi world!

So this is my 4th blog post now and I've realised that those of you who don't know me on a personal level may like to find out a bit more about me and what my blog aims to promote. 

If I'm totally honest, I don't know where this blogging will end up taking me, but all I can say is that it started out through a series of summer evenings when I started contemplating life's deep issues (this is what the holidays do to me!). Hence the "Midnight" aspect of the title came about because so far, all of my posts have been written in the early hours of the morning - I don't know if anyone else agrees but this is definitely the time when thoughts flood my mind, and so I write at my best then! 

Now, any good friend of mine will be able to explain the "Tea" part of the blog name - I'm completely tea obsessed, drink around 4 cups of the stuff a day, and any period of anxiety/stress/happiness/deep thoughts generally involves a big mug of PG tips! Plus, so far all my blogs have been written in around 20 minutes, roughly the same amount of time it takes me to get through a cup of tea! And yes, this definitely resembles Carrie Hope Fletcher's YouTube videos which always show her drinking tea; she's a definite inspiration of mine, writing wise :)

So that explains the name, but what's all the purpose to all this caffeine drinking and early morning "brain splatters", if any? Well in part, I guess you could consider it to be an outlet for my frustrations and confusion with life issues, from exams, finishing school to social pressures, but more importantly, this blog isn't aimed to be just about me. Its main purpose is to advise, inspire and provoke thoughts among readers, following the lessons I've learned so far, and I'd love it to be interactive so feel free to comment with blog ideas/concerns/musings! From discussions I've had with friends, it seems like it's not just me who's struggling to cope with factors such as change, growing up, and finding yourself (when Location Services doesn't cut it! I refer to maturity and personal development here, not geography!). I also really enjoy helping people, whether it be through volunteering, teaching or giving words of advice to those who need a bit of uplifting. So take this little corner of the internet as my take on the big wide world and how I'm surviving in it!

Now a little bit about who I am, aside from being a lost soul who enjoys scrolling through blogs, watching YouTube videos (and recently featuring in one!!), and aimlessly tweeting, I'm a teenager who's recently finished Sixth Form and I'm hoping to study Spanish with some Linguistics at Uni, starting this October! Cue the reason why at this stage in my life I'm starting to explore new opportunities, embrace change and learn to move from childhood to adulthood *shudders and jumps onto swing to bring back the good old days*. Some friends may even describe me as "funny" (this is widely debated and most come to the conclusion that being a comedian is not my calling in life) and my side comments tend to feature some appallingly bad humour.. apologies in advance! 

On Twitter, I describe myself as a "Christian, tea lover, radio presenter, reader, writer, Lushie, musician, linguist and generally a partly positive, mostly crazy character (:" which I feel just about sums me up. Some would say "Jack of all trades, master of none" and I'm inclined to agree. Only change the "Jack" to "Jackie" for good measure!! To a certain extent, I have no idea what I plan to do as a career, but at the moment I'm perfectly happy that way. Roll on the new exciting opportunities and a future in which anything could happen *sings Ellie Goulding*!

I couldn't write a post about the inspiration for my blog without mentioning a certain blogger who put the whole idea in my head, and has featured my first post, "Why Are We Waiting?" on her page a few weeks ago.  The lovely, inspiring Paula has in recent times become a great friend of mine, a source of wisdom, reminder of priorities and someone whose religious faith has led me to become much more spiritually minded. She's simply awesome and her posts have sparked off my creative side! For her spin on the world, check out her blog http://paulapacesetter.com/ and tell her that I sent you!!

I think that's about all I have to ramble about for now! But please share these posts if you enjoy reading them, and let me know what you'd like me to write about - I'd love to hear from you!

Jenna
:)

'Change' and how to embrace it

You only have to look at where you were five years ago to realise that characters, places and priorities are changing at dizzying rates. And sometimes it can feel a bit like you're losing your grip on it all, as if you're sliding down a hill with your fingers gripping the land in front of you, trying to keep a hold on the past. But it's important to understand that the cycle of all things involves decay, endings and new beginnings, which inevitably cause hurt, but this is all aided by the healing power of time.

I was recently chatting to a friend of mine about the amount we've developed and altered over the years, which led me to a moment of complete panic. Do we ever really know anyone? Just because our paths once collided, and we walked together for some of the journey, sharing our experiences with each other, that doesn't mean they'll follow you for eternity. The concept of 'drifting' friendships, that is, when the two paths diverge, I guess, quite frankly terrifies me. I've been a hoarder of material possessions since a young age (much to my mum's dismay, as the house is descending into clutter and junk!) because I can't bear the thought of losing what may once have been the centre of my universe. Doesn't it terrify you when you can barely remember a name or face that was once the most familiar thing to you? That's change in action, and it's not to say that those memories are gone forever. It just means that every now and again, our mental 'inbox' needs to be sorted out into sections, and while some events end up filed into the back of our minds, others take priority. 

Some people naturally embrace changing relationships and circumstances, and while this has never been the case for me, I realise that myself (and fellow change-detesters) will someday have to face up to the fact that you can't cling on forever. Some friendships, career paths and interests just don't suit you anymore, and believe me when I say it does you much more harm than good to keep something close when in your gut, you know that it's not working out. You can descent into a world of self doubt, asking 'is it my fault that this isn't what it used to be?' when most of the time, it's the natural process of 'ebb and flow' to walk away from certain paths and into new opportunities. Most of the time, it's nobody's fault at all. Especially at the point I'm at now, having left school and preparing for a whole new world *sings Aladdin* of university, you can blame yourself for not putting in the extra effort to pull the past towards you again, whilst still running parallel with the present. We are only human! Though the past, present and future versions of yourself may differ, there's no need to try and live all three lives at once for the sake of maintaining an old persona to keep up a relationship. Use your words, as Carrie Hope Fletcher says all too often! If change goes hand in hand with communication, then everyone is completely aware of each other's feelings, similarities and differences. 

Change doesn't have to mean running on a completely different track. Perhaps for some it just involves a change of attitude, a new environment, or simply realising that though in the past doughnuts were their snack of choice, cake has overtaken its place. (I hope I'm not the only one experiencing this traumatising tea time dilemma. Maybe this sugary change crisis is too much to bear!)

Most importantly though, even if two people who were once close decide they are different individuals leading different lives, in no way does that signify the end of mutual respect and affection. 

Some memories are treasured forever, even if its occupants are distant and may even seem strangers now. 

It's time to keep moving forwards, recognising that the future you, though perhaps slightly altered, is still very much you. Allowing yourself to change and go with the tide doesn't have to mean forgetting the past and how much it once meant to you. 

"Tinted glasses" or perception

How many times have we held ourselves back from making an instinctive comment, because of a little voice in our head that says 'wait a minute. I can't say that, they'll think I'm XYZ..'. Or worse still, how often have we decided against wearing a certain outfit, going out to an event, being friends with someone, because we fear external perception? 

And isn't it a shame to think of all the wasted moments that pass us by due to this mentality? It seems to me that whilst social media, such as Twitter, seems to encourage instinctive, carefree thoughts, sadly, our generation  appear to be increasingly self conscious and afraid of perception. I realise that was a sweeping generalisation but it's serving here as a premise for my argument! Be that physical perception due to appearance, overthinking our texts so we don't get perceived the wrong way (the eternal debate of whether to send a winky face, a smiley face, a kiss, two kisses, a  :* emoticon?!) to someone we may like, or the way our actions may be judged in the future.

Now this all seems to tie in with the previous post about the importance of living for today, and not thinking about a future version of you that may or may not regret this decision.

So, we make mistakes. So, some people do think I'm an absolute nutter. So, people have probably talked about me behind my back, and they probably will do for plenty of time to come. So what?! We can only tread on eggshells so much before realising we can't predict future responses or what anyone else is thinking (just think about all the times autocorrect thinks it knows what you're typing but is just way off. Telepathy is far from being the most reliable way to judge responses). Overthinking things will, bit by bit, lead us to leave behind our true selves, if we're constantly altering ourselves to fit in with how other people think.

Another form of perception that deserves a mention is self-perception, which now more than ever is less a matter of seeing all the positive, amazing qualities we hold but all too often putting ourselves down, and perceiving ourselves in regard to others. We see the world through these tinted glasses, noticing only the negatives in how we view ourselves and admiring the best traits of those we look up too, whilst ignoring that they too have faults.

All this perception stuff is pretty complicated, right? It seems nobody will ever know what anyone else thinks unless it's well communicated, and I think it's about time we just throw the towel in with all this predicting how future situations may or may not come about and why and how and when and who with. It's time to take off the glasses and learn that yeah, people will judge me for my actions, they may criticise me and pick out my bad qualities. But wouldn't anyone much rather just live their life as they want to rather than eternally asking themselves 'what if?' (You know, the sort of pondering what if's that can only ever lead to questioning every little mistake you've made and why you're a terrible human being and what if you'll never achieve anything ever again?). It's just not worth it! 

Perception is another word for awareness, senses, taking things in. So surely the best way to go about life isn't to fear perception, but embrace it. Living for the now, and for you, not a million other people who you feel are judging you, means soaking up every experience, dancing on the train even though you're going to get those funny looks, making a decision that may not fit in with your peers because you're more interested in experiencing things at your own pace than how others will perceive you for not following the crowd. Perception is about gaining insight, seeing the world in a new way, and if you have to make a few unpopular decisions along the way to make the most out of life, then that's going to benefit your development far more than it will harm you to hear external criticisms that may surround your choices. Go perceive and discover! 

Why are we waiting?

It seems to me that in the modern age, everyone is in some sort of rush. And it’s understandable, I guess. With social media, the Internet etc., everything is always instant and available at the push of a button. This is only ever going to lead to a constant sense of restlessness and a generation obsessed with phone checking (don’t worry youth, I feel you. I’ve just described myself!)

But why, then, does nobody appear to rush to do the things that matter, before it’s too late? We only have to watch a romcom to know that sadly, people can lose touch, either by distance or unfortunate circumstances, and fail to be reunited until it’s too late. I’m not trying to provoke feelings of guilt or regret here, but maybe the right word for the sentiment is realisation, or, the expression ‘carpe diem’.

Another phrase we hear a lot is ‘yolo’. More often than not, it is associated with reckless actions of possibly drinking (a world I’m most certainly unaware of), taking risks for the sake of impressing others and looking cool, or even denying responsibility altogether. But this is not the meaning of the phrase in my book.

I feel that the answer lies deep down, as it always does, with faith, and with putting everything into perspective. It’s a sad scenario, but picture being trapped on the other side of a glass window from someone you care about, unable to communicate except through facial expression and eye contact. What would you want to say? And is it something they don’t know already?

I guess this has gone onto a darker path than I intended. Maybe this derives from the fact that I’ve been watching a little too much Call the Midwife lately, or maybe it’s the documentary I saw last night, ‘Before I Kick the Bucket’. It was an inspiring programme about the value and reasons behind ‘bucket lists’.

Personally, I don’t think bucket lists are the best way of living at any stage of life, because since when has ticking boxes made us feel truly satisfied (says the girl with a list for everything!)? By satisfied I mean truly content with life, you know, that warmth you feel in your heart when you touch someone or, even warmer, when someone touches you emotionally. That’s the sort of feeling you can’t get from ticking off bucket lists (by that I mean the kinds of lists that involve lots of high energy, adrenaline filled physical sports). It’s very likely that I’m wrong on that front, though. After all, satisfaction is such a personal thing.

But moving onto what I think is the solution, if there ever can be, to these feelings of regret that we all seem to experience at times (we need only look at @ALevelProblems to understand the dissatisfaction associated with the education system) mentioned by a psychologist on the bucket list programme. It’s people. After all, isn’t that what everyone thinks of when they’re in their time of need? As well as, crucially, our religious faith, I think people hold the key to making us happy! We’ve known this all along and it’s been said decade after decade. Regrets won’t be needed if you’ve told the closest people to you how much they mean to you, and sharing your ups and your downs with them. In a religious sense, I feel that God often reveals Himself in the form of wonderful human beings that we meet in our lives, and we have something to learn from each of them (Side note: listen to For Good from Wicked for more in this vein). It isn’t easy for anyone to wear their heart on their sleeve and share emotions with others, sometimes especially those closest to you, when it could hurt them. But the sense of sharing your life, your sorrows and your joy, with others, is such a precious and valuable gift. I realise this may not entirely link in with the initial point about rushing life, but in a way it does. We’re forgetting the things that matter in this whirlwind of instantaneous responses, and that’s the physical presence of our loved ones.

So I think the conclusion of this complete "brain splatter" is that though instant messages travel fast, they’re often short lived and temporary. Make more time for the physical memories that we tend to hold in our hearts forever. Cheese alert!!

Thanks for reading :)